That’s it, put some mayonnaise on it. No, don’t put it away, don’t be cheap, put it on with a spoon. Stop worrying about your arteries. Stress will kill you long before the mayo. What? The jar’s almost empty? Well then, use it up. Oh yeah, there you go. No, don’t put it in the sink, you idiot. Put it on the floor and I’ll get it ready for the recycle bin. I know lettuce is good for you but let’s not over-do it. Okay, I need roughage. You could play eighteen rounds with that last poop. Spray ’em white and sell ’em on eBay. Ooo pickles, I like pickles. I wonder if you could pickle a cat. Mmm, that sounds good. Let’s pickle Buttons and put him on a bun. Might have to get some more mayo though. Tomato slices work, put a few more slices on. Whoops, you dropped one. Here, I’ll get it for you. Slurp. Gosh, I don’t see it. Where’d it go? That damn cat must’ve kiped it. He’s fast for a fat bastard. He might even be enough for two sandwiches.

It needs more ham, more turkey. You might as well be a vegan for what you got on there now. You need protein, boy, lots of it. Okay, now it’s looking good, but it could use some strawberry jam and some whipped cream and some lox. Look at all that stuff you got in the fridge you could put on it. If it won’t fit on the sandwich just use the plate. Plate too small? Get a bigger plate or a serving platter.

What? That’s it?! One little sandwich on one little plate? Are you insane? You’ll starve and die and where will that leave me? I’ll end up in the pound because of your tiny sandwich. Okay, let’s go into the living room and sit down. Sure, I’ll sit next to you on the couch. What’s wrong? Aren’t you going to share? What about living your life as an example to others? I doubt Mother Teresa would do this to her dog. Dagnabbit! Give me half. I was the one who showed you how to make it. You’re such a pig.

Oh, the phone, that’s right, go answer it you greedy bastard. Slurp, gobble, slurp, lick, lick.

Sandwich? It was the cat. I warned you he’s fast. Don’t look at me. No, I’m not smacking my lips. No, that’s not mayonnaise on my nose. Lick. See, it was never there. In fact the sandwich was never there. You must be hungry. Come on into the kitchen with me. I’ll show you how to make a sandwich. I know, I get that feeling too sometimes. Déjà vu, like we’ve done all this before.